


use me

by cherriesthyme



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/F, Gay, Joygi - Freeform, Non-Graphic Smut, Red Velvet, Side Seulrene, Threats of Violence, fuckboy seulgi, idk just read, joy has a bf, not for long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 19:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherriesthyme/pseuds/cherriesthyme
Summary: seulgi fools around with girls way too much, and sooyoung is in a happy committed relationship with a man. it seems like them meeting would be the equivalent of a mentos and coca cola truck crashing.no, not really. they're more like whiskey and cola. dr, pepper and fireball. coconut rum and sprite.seulgi suffers.





	use me

**Author's Note:**

> impromptu, wrote this in one day while listening to "written in the stars" by wendy & john legend on loop.  
> enjoy.

sooyoung took one last look at seulgi's face, before breaking down in tears again and slamming the car door.

it was around 10 pm, and seulgi's car was parked in front of sooyoung's house. the sound of rain was so loud it disrupted seulgi's thoughts and didn't let her focus. is there any use in crying anymore? would anyone care? 

seulgi and sooyoung met 6 months prior at their mutual friend's birthday party. they were drinking, laughing, dancing. sooyoung had a boyfriend at the time (his name was joonho), and seulgi remembers sooyoung's eyes shining while showing her their selfies on her phone. "here is him meeting my parents, here is us at the zoo, here's us traveling together." seulgi was disappointed that someone this attractive was straight and out of her league, but she didn't let it show.

seulgi has always liked fooling around with way too many people at the same time. her "fuckboy" reputation held her back from dating, as no one trusted her faithfulness anymore. but seulgi wasn't too upset; it's not like there was someone she'd give up her playboy habits for. she got bored with people quickly, she craved adrenalin and didn't enjoy traditional relationships. 

still, when she met sooyoung, seulgi hoped she could be her next "thing". although it wasn't new for seulgi to go after straight girls, she didn't want to interfere with sooyoung's seemingly perfect & happy relationship; she wasn't a monster, after all. 

but there was something about the way sooyoung behaved and carried herself that made seulgi feel something different. sooyoung was shy but friendly at the same time, energetic but laid-back. once she got drunk she smiled & laughed a lot, and seulgi couldn't help but stare at her face. seulgi was uncomfortable with the way she felt about sooyoung: she felt as if she could put her womanizer guard down and be herself around sooyoung, and she was too unaccustomed to that feeling of vulnerability and happiness. 

sooyoung was 2 years younger, however, seulgi told her she could drop formalities a few hours after they met. seulgi didn't know what possessed her that evening, but she was way shyer than usual; she even managed to stumble over her words while approaching sooyoung for her phone number. seulgi was dissatisfied with herself; she's done this an overwhelming amount of times, she considered herself a pro at seducing, yet she lost all her charms in sooyoung's presence. she had no idea whether it was sooyoung's thoughtfulness, femininity or gorgeous smile that made her feel that way, but what she did know was that she wasn't going to get rid of this new feeling any time soon.

sooyoung was more easy-going and playful than the usual type of girls seulgi went after. her previous love interests were more naive and childlike, while sooyoung acted more confident and mature; that also caught seulgi off guard. at one point seulgi was relieved sooyoung was taken, because who knows what could have happened if seulgi fell for her too hard. 

after going out together a couple of times, seulgi started noticing things about sooyoung: her little habits and phrases she'd frequently use, her favorite color or genre of music. seulgi stored all of that in her brain, trying to remember as much as possible so that she could use that information to pleasantly surprise sooyoung later. sooyoung's freedom and playfulness attracted seulgi; sooyoung didn't have any filter and tried to be as honest as possible, so seulgi did the same.

every time they went to the movies together, seulgi would catch herself looking at sooyoung instead of the screen, and each and every single time she had to remind herself that she couldn't let herself make her feelings obvious. she didn't know if sooyoung would react negatively to her tiny crush, or laugh it off - either way, seulgi flinched at the idea of sooyoung finding out how seulgi feels about her. in a way, seulgi wanted the crush to go away as quickly as possible, but she couldn't bring herself to stop talking to sooyoung completely. in the end, seulgi was stuck in this weird dilemma she'd never encountered before - feelings.

seulgi's friends started noticing something was off about her: she became a bit absent-minded, smiled more, her body language became more delicate and soft. she also put an end to any flings she had, and rarely flirted with people nowadays. it was unusual for her, indeed; but she didn't think of it as a bad thing. rather, she liked the way her personality changed, as she didn't have to fake anything anymore. there was only one downside - she wouldn't stop thinking about sooyoung. everything reminded seulgi of her: the bouquet of daisies she saw someone selling this morning, the smell of fresh coffee in starbucks next to her house, the meowing of a stray cat on the street, the sad love song that came on shuffle when she was listening to music on the bus. 

the girls got close fast, and they were very comfortable around each other now. they talked about their insecurities, their dreams and aspirations, their childhoods. seulgi always tiptoed around the topic of dating, though, as she didn't want sooyoung to know even more about her don juan past. however, she did make sure to highlight some parts, because she really didn't want them to have any secrets from each other. honesty was a key element to their friendship that grew stronger day by day. the more seulgi found out about sooyoung, the harder she fell for her. seulgi denied all possibilities of sooyoung returning her feelings and tried not to delude herself. _she's taken_ , she reminded herself. although one thing was strange about sooyoung, seulgi noticed. she started avoiding talking about her boyfriend joonho, and would always change the topic if he came up in the conversation. seulgi was happy about this, however, since the last thing she wanted to hear about was sooyoung's lovey-dovey speeches about her oh-so-charming lover. she did have pride, after all.

one day, around a month, after they met, sooyoung called seulgi late at night, at a time when seulgi would usually be asleep already. sooyoung was lucky seulgi decided to binge watch a drama and stayed awake, so she was able to hear her phone ringing. seulgi was surprised, as this wasn't the time sooyoung would usually call (she was very respectful of seulgi's complicated sleep regime and would never bother her if it wasn't urgent). seulgi got concerned, as anyone would, and automatically pictured the worst scenario possible. she was ready to fight and go ballistic on anyone who dared to hurt her precious sooyoung. she worriedly picked up the phone.

"hello? sooyoung?"

instead of a reply, all seulgi heard was sobbing, crying and whimpering. seulgi's heart dropped - her assumptions were correct, something bad did, in fact, happen. seulgi immediately resorted to consolation and endless questions about what happened. it was obvious sooyoung was having a breakdown, and there wasn't much she could explain on the phone, so seulgi jumped to her feet, got dressed in under a minute and ran out of the house. despite her car being pretty old and run-down, she still managed to get to sooyoung's house in around 10 minutes, as fast as she could. 

the front door was wide open, which was unusual for sooyoung who paid a lot of attention to detail. seulgi walked into the house, making sure she lets sooyoung know she's at her house. "hey, sooyoung, it's seulgi. are you okay? where are you?" 

seulgi found sooyoung in the bathroom, in a short party dress, her hair done nicely, but her make up ruined by tears and a grimace of pure grief. sooyoung was still hysterically crying, and seulgi's heart exploded with sadness and love when she saw sooyoung in so much pain. seulgi decided it wasn't a good time to ask questions and just made sure sooyoung knew someone was there supporting her, that she wasn't alone. seulgi gave her a sedative and a glass of water, hugged sooyoung and whispered to her, trying to be as supportive as possible. seeing sooyoung crying broke her heart, and she was willing to do whatever she could in order to help her baby feel better.

after a bit, sooyoung calmed down a little, though she didn't quite stop crying. she clung onto seulgi, and hugged her tight, sobbing into her chest. seulgi closed her eyes, and, while it does sound vile, she felt happy that sooyoung felt that way because it gave her the opportunity to lean on seulgi for safety and support, and seulgi really enjoyed holding sooyoung in her arms like this.

they were sitting on the bathroom floor, embracing each other, quiet muffled sobs still coming from sooyoung's shaking body, when suddenly sooyoung lifted her head and kissed seulgi on the lips.

time stopped, and seulgi couldn't hear anything besides her heart pumping and both girls gasping for air as they went in for another kiss. what happened in the next few minutes almost felt unreal. seulgi felt like her body was out of her control, and she was observing the scene as a third party. she felt as if something else took over her being, and her conscious mind was just watching all of this unfold. 

seulgi put her hands around sooyoung's waist, and sooyoung wrapped hers around seulgi's neck. the kissing got more intense, and seulgi could feel the sensation fill her up, thirsting for more & more.

she unzipped sooyoung's dress, and sooyoung quickly took seulgi's shirt off. seulgi decided to focus on sooyoung's neck, leaving hickeys all over her collarbones and chest. she slowly took her bra off, trying to enjoy every moment and make it last as much as possible. sooyoung started moaning quietly, as seulgi's tongue traveled all over her body. as seulgi started caressing and kissing sooyoung's thighs, sooyoung bit her lip and whispered "fuck, fuck..." while gently massaging her lower stomach over the black lace panties.

suddenly, seulgi stopped and looked up at sooyoung.

sooyoung was burning with impatience and got confused when she realized seulgi's lips are not on her skin anymore. she looked at seulgi and raised an eyebrow, waiting for seulgi to continue. but seulgi just sat there frowning and looking at sooyoung.   
"is everything okay?" sooyoung asked with obvious concern and confusion in her voice. "did i do something wrong?"

seulgi sighed and leaned to kiss sooyoung on the cheek. she couldn't contain herself and proceeded to give sooyoung one last soft kiss on the lips. sooyoung obviously craved more, but seulgi pulled away.

after a few seconds of silence, sooyoung sat up, covering her chest with her hands, looking for her bra that seulgi so gently took off of her a few minutes prior. sooyoung was visibly embarrassed, but it was clear to both of them that today was not  _that_ day. seulgi watched her and then decided it was time to break the silence. 

"this just felt wrong. you've obviously just undergone a lot of stress. i don't think it's fair for us to just... do that. something happened, and you're distressed. we can't just... you know..." seulgi hesitated to continue the sentence but sooyoung encouraged her with a nod, so she carried on. "you're just trying to use me and get your mind off things that way, get distracted. i get it, though."

sooyoung licked her lips and sighed. realization of what she's done hit her and tears started flowing again.

seulgi hugged sooyoung, who was still naked and massaged her back. she felt used, but seulgi knew she was a masochist, so she didn't mind. _whatever_ , she thought,  _even if you used me now, i got to taste you, kiss your lips and touch your skin. that's more than i ever wished for. use me._

it was 5 in the morning, and the girls were sitting in the kitchen, eating pringles and listening to music seulgi picked out. sooyoung told seulgi everything. 

"me and joonho were supposed to go to this party his friends were hosting at the club. i got all dressed and ready, you know, makeup, hair. we agreed he'd be staying at my place tonight. we went to the party, and i suppose he got quite drunk.  i tried not to drink much because i didn't want him to drive us back home. he didn't listen to me when i tried to stop him. i didn't want to cause a scene at the club since there were a lot of people i didn't know and i was just tired, i guess. we got home sort of safe, but, when we got home, i tried to talk to him about how that wasn't a good choice. joonho lashed out on me for doubting him and telling him what to do. i've never seen him this angry before. i mean, i did know there were some problems at work, but he's never taken it out on me, i don't even know what's gotten into him. he got violent, started throwing stuff around, tried to push me as well. i was terrified, scared for my life. he was screaming at me about how i was acting so cold towards him recently, that i must have found someone else.he said i treated him carelessly and didn't care about him anymore."

sooyoung paused. her eyes were filled with tears, and it was obvious that she's leaving out a lot of details, but seulgi understood her. there was probably something else that angered him, and the drunk driving issue was just an excuse. now she knew what exactly that "something" was. 

"is that true, though?" seulgi asked carefully, trying not to say something out of place. she wanted sooyoung to open up a bit more, so she decided to keep up the conversation. sooyoung gulped.

"i guess so. i don't really know, my head's been a mess lately. i don't know. perhaps he's right, i do admit i've been a bit distant lately. i just don't feel the same way anymore." she looked up at seulgi with guilt in her eyes. "but it's still not fair to attack me like that. it was scary. i was afraid of him as if he was an animal. terrifying." 

seulgi nodded slowly, trying to process what she'd just heard. so, turns out sooyoung's relationship isn't at all so rosy and dreamy. they've been having problems lately. is that why she avoided bringing him up at all costs?

"i've been having some weird thoughts lately," sooyoung continued. "i've never thought about this kind of stuff before. like... it's hard to explain, honestly. in the end, he stormed out, didn't even close the door. i called you in panic, i don't even know why. sorry if i bothered you."

"no, not at all. don't ever think that," seulgi was quick to deny. sooyoung's phone worried her, of course, but she never wanted her to think that she couldn't ask for her or call seulgi when she's in trouble.

"i don't want to get back together. i think he's going to call and apologize and try to come back and get back together. i really don't feel like that's the right idea. i'm confused and need time to think."

sooyoung closed her eyes and put her hands over her face. seulgi got scared she's gonna start crying and wanted to hug her again. suddenly, sooyoung stood up and headed to the counter. 

"i could use some coffee right now," she mumbled. "do you want some?" she turned around and looked at seulgi, waiting for an answer.

seulgi looked sooyoung up and down and nodded in agreement. she changed into her light pink pajamas, washed off the makeup and let her hair down. seulgi was still dressed in whatever she could grab when she was getting ready - a white balenciaga hoodie and some ripped skinny jeans. they both knew she wasn't going home that night, so sooyoung offered her some of her own clothes. seulgi didn't want to change, however. she tried to act as if she had no idea why, but deep down she knew; it was because the thought of wearing  _sooyoung's_  clothes in  _sooyoung's_ house freaked her out a little. it would feel as if seulgi was getting too comfortable, too entitled. 

sooyoung made both of them coffee, and they decided to watch a movie together. seulgi liked comedies, but sooyoung wanted to watch something more serious. they spend a lot of time bickering and trying to figure out what movie to watch when seulgi finally found a solution.

"have you seen '3 idiots'?" seulgi asked excitedly. sooyoung frowned and shook her head. 

the movie was about 3 hours long, but the girls enjoyed every second of it. it was a perfect mix of comedy and philosophy, exactly the kind of distraction they needed at the time. every time sooyoung laughed at some funny smart joke, seulgi glanced at her, thinking about how pretty her smile or addictive her laugh was. during the movie sooyoung was pretty cuddly, always trying to hug seulgi or be near her in a way. seulgi wasn't normally the one for showing affection, but sooyoung's happiness and satisfaction came first. 

when the movie ended, it was about 9 am, and normally seulgi would already be in college by this time. sooyoung didn't have any lectures that day, so seulgi decided that skipping one day of school isn't going to kill her. they spent the entire day together, laughing and talking, watching movies and eating popcorn. it was almost like a silent agreement that they'd forget about what happened the night before and move on, being the closest of friends possible.

it was beginning of august, 5 months have passed since sooyoung and seulgi first met. seulgi's crush only grew stronger, but she didn't let that ruin their friendship and never showed her hidden admiration. they have not once discussed what happened that one night months ago, and it was better that way for both seulgi and sooyoung. 

sooyoung had tried getting into another relationship a few weeks ago, but it didn't work out. she met the guy through a friend, but it didn't really click. seulgi understood that as a good friend she should want sooyoung to be in a healthy and happy relationship (and she did), however, she couldn't help but be glad that sooyoung wasn't dating anyone. seulgi didn't consider herself jealous, but she was possessive when it came to sooyoung; the latter one would never know, though.

seulgi hasn't been seeing anyone ever since she met sooyoung, but she didn't mind. she felt like staying out of relationships was the better choice for her at the moment, since she's already been in so many of them. she did occasionally have one night stands, and she supposed sooyoung did too. but whenever she was with someone else, she'd always imagine that it was sooyoung under her, that it was sooyoung's lips she was kissing and her skin she was licking and sucking on. whenever she remembered the night they almost had sex, she could feel something tickling between her legs. seulgi couldn't help but touch herself and get off to the memories of that night. she felt guilty, yes, but something told her sooyoung felt the same way. 

sooyoung decided that she wanted to have a bit of fun, so she suggested going to the club together. seulgi didn't really go to clubs anymore, but sooyoung's birthday was coming up, and she wanted sooyoung to have as much fun as possible, so she agreed.

sooyoung said that she'd come over at 5 p.m so that they could get ready and head out together at about 7 p.m. seulgi had no idea what she was going to wear until she went through her closet and found a blue velvet mini dress. seulgi tried it on, and was really pleased with what she saw in the mirror; the dress looked really good on her. it hugged her body in the right places, and she already knew exactly what kind of makeup she was going for. this bitch is hard to take off, though, she thought to herself. seulgi was struggling with the zipper when she heard the bell ring. 

sooyoung was pretty punctual and showed up at exactly 5:03. when seulgi opened the door, her eyes involuntarily opened wide while they scanned sooyoung from head to toe. sooyoung was wearing a gorgeous semi-transparent glittering green short dress with long sleeves. her makeup was all done, and her hair was done up nicely, but the one thing that seemed to stand out the most to seulgi were her black heels that genuinely looked 10 inches tall (although it was more reasonable to suggest they were probably 6-inches tall). 

sooyoung was holding a bottle in her hand, smiling brightly. however, when she saw seulgi, some other emotion took over her, and she slightly opened her mouth and raised her eyebrows. seulgi didn't really know how to take that, so she just lightly nodded her head and welcomed sooyoung in. 

"that color looks really nice on you," sooyoung said while nodding in approval. "do you already know what heels you're going to wear?"

it was obvious to seulgi that sooyoung genuinely enjoyed fashion and dressing up. she showed the younger woman her brand new silver stilettos, and sooyoung screeched in happiness. that reaction was adorable and amused seulgi, so she laughed and put the stilettos back in the box. 

"first i'll have to take off this dress and do my makeup," seulgi tried to take off the dress again, but the zipper was stuck. sooyoung enthusiastically offered to help. her cold fingers touched seulgi's soft warm skin a few times, causing seulgi to jump up. sooyoung mumbled "sorry", and helped seulgi to take the dress off. 

suddenly, seulgi realized that she was standing there half-naked, in her underwear, and her face got red. she quickly excused herself and headed to the bedroom to put her makeup on and finish up the preparations. sooyoung watched seulgi run away and took a sip out of the bottle she brought. _this is going to be a fun night_ , sooyoung thought to herself.

by the time the girls arrived, the club was pretty packed. sooyoung had connections, so they skipped the line, and seulgi joked about her friend being a big shot. sooyoung just winked and laughed it off. seulgi loved hanging out with sooyoung like this, teasing each other, joking and playing around. 

after a few hours, seulgi started to get exhausted. the heels were hurting her legs, she's had plenty of alcohol already; she wasn't planning to get blackout drunk, and didn't think sooyoung was either. they got separated around 30 minutes prior, so it seemed like seulgi had to look for her friend so that they could go home together.

after realizing sooyoung definitely wasn't anywhere on the dancefloor or at the bar, seulgi started to get a bit worried. she called sooyoung a few times, texted her, asked around - still, her friend was nowhere to be seen. seulgi stumbled upon a door that said "WC", so she decided to go check in the restroom.

she walked in, and there were two doors leading to the male and female restrooms. she was ready to walk into the women's one when she heard some weird noises coming from a stall in the men's restroom. seulgi wasn't a teenager anymore, so she shamelessly walked in the men's restroom and tried to figure out where the noises were coming from.

after getting closer to the source of disturbance, seulgi realized that the noise she was hearing was actually moans and kissing. seulgi got flustered and was ready to leave and give the couple some alone time when she noticed something familiar in the creek under the stall. seulgi's heart dropped.

sooyoung's ridiculously high black heels.

shortly after, the female silhouette dropped down to her knees, and that was probably seulgi's cue to go. she wasn't as upset at the thought of sooyoung with someone else as she was with the fact that sooyoung just left her friend there and went on to hook up with a random man - or that was another lie seulgi tried to feed herself. it's almost as if the alcohol and exhaustion combined with what she'd just seen made seulgi realize that she'll never, ever have a chance with someone who she cared for this much. 

seulgi couldn't feel her legs, or her arms, or her head at that point; she just wanted to go home, take a shower and sleep for 13 hours. she texted sooyoung that she was going home and she hopes she had fun and then ran out of the club in tears. she took out her phone and was going to order an uber while wiping the tears off her face. she suddenly got angry, even furious. how could she do this to me? she played with my emotions, used me, lead me on, all while knowing damn well she would rather suck some dick on the side than spend some time with me. alcohol was blurring her mind.

seulgi decided it was time for revenge. 

she stormed back into the club, her tears dried up already. she stood there for a second, looking around as if she was searching for something. her face lit up when she chose her victim.

the woman in a short white dress. 

seulgi came up to the woman and started grinding on her, letting herself get lost in the loud music and people dancing around her. she then proceeded to hug the woman she had her eyes on and whisper into her ear, "hey what's your name?" the woman seemed just as drunk as seulgi, if not soberer, but it was obvious she was there for a good time. the woman smiled mysteriously and replied,

"bae joohyun." 

seulgi and joohyun were full on making out in the car, and seulgi was barely keeping her hands to herself. joohyun was gentle and soft, while seulgi was passionate and rough; the combination that made both of them lose their minds of lust. seulgi's hand was on joohyun's thigh, and joohyun was moaning and whimpering, trying to get seulgi to finger her. seulgi knew exactly how to make joohyun wet and excited, though, so she bit her ear and whispered, "not now. wait until we get home. then i'm going to do whatever i want to you." joohyun closed her eyes and moaned as seulgi sucked on her neck. 

they got out of the car, and seulgi paid the driver almost 2 times the price, but she didn't care. she hasn't fully enjoyed herself in a long time, and she was going to have as much fun as possible tonight. she pinned joohyun against her bedroom wall, undressing her and occasionally playing with her clit to keep her wet. 

seulgi then threw joohyun on the bed, one hand playing with her nipples, the other playing with her ass. joohyun arched her back and screamed in pain when seulgi put 3 fingers in her vagina and 2 in her asshole. seulgi was simultaneously kissing her tits and fingering joohyun, which made the latter shake in pleasure. 

joohyun was on the verge of orgasming when seulgi suddenly stopped completely. joohyun was breathing heavily, her breasts going up and down as seulgi licked her hard nipples. seulgi then kissed joohyun on the lips, slowly but passionately, barely letting joohyun breathe. 

"turn around and get on your knees. now."

joohyun obeyed, and seulgi stayed still a second, admiring joohyun's amazing body and proportions. seulgi then started licking the older woman's pussy and asshole, switching between the two. whenever joohyun would go down on her elbows, seulgi slapped her ass, commanding her to stand up. seulgi's tongue was flexible and she knew exactly what to do to make joohyun come. 

lube was dripping down joohyun's thighs as seulgi put it the dildo she had in her closet. joohyun was whimpering with pleasure, and seulgi was fingering herself watching joohyun's ass jump in the air. 

after the last stroke, joohyun came with a loud scream and fell onto the bed. seulgi continued fingering herself, and joohyun decided to join in while giving seulgi hickeys on her neck and tits. when seulgi came, joohyun gave her one last kiss, and shortly after both women were laying on the bed asleep. 

the next morning was terrible for seulgi. she was having a horrible hangover, and could barely think because of how hard her head was hurting. her new friend was doing better, however. joohyun even stayed for breakfast, and they talked a bit; turns out she's actually a cool person to talk to, so they exchanged numbers and agreed to remain friends from now on. after joohyun left, seulgi decided to stay in bed for the rest of the day and rest a bit. 

obviously, she still thought about sooyoung. she hasn't checked her phone all morning, so she had no idea if sooyoung called her or texted, but seulgi didn't really feel like dealing with that at that moment. she left her phone turned off and binge-watched "totally spies" up until dinner time. taking a break really helped her organize her thoughts and have some alone time with herself.

seulgi didn't completely regret her night with joohyun, although she did feel odd about it, almost as if she did something forbidden and bothered the gods in some way. she wasn't angry at sooyoung anymore either. seulgi realized that since they weren't dating, and she never confessed in the first place, sooyoung really had the right to do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted. that didn't stop seulgi from being sad and heartbroken, though, and that's okay. seulgi came to the conclusion that while she couldn't tell sooyoung what to do or how to act, she did have the right to be upset and cry over her unrequited love. 

seulgi finally gained the courage to turn her phone on and check the messages from sooyoung. 78 unopened texts and 27 missed calls. seulgi smiled while reading the messages filled with loving concern and remorse. sooyoung really did care about her, and she was genuinely sorry about leaving her in the club liked that. she didn't mention anything about that guy in the restroom, though. seulgi wasn't really curious about him anyway, so she just let it slide. seulgi decided it was time to finally text back.

"i'm okay :) don't worry :) how was your day?"

when sooyoung was happy, seulgi was happy. seulgi lived on with her pain just to see sooyoung smile every day and smile back (sometimes she would force herself to). seulgi knew that confessing wouldn't solve anything; it'd just add a sense of awkwardness and ruin the friendship eventually. so seulgi got better at hiding her emotions. 

before meeting sooyoung, seulgi was bold, confident, flirty. after meeting sooyoung, seulgi stayed the same, but she didn't want to be that without sooyoung by her side. seulgi got used to living like this: wake up, dream about sooyoung, go to college, think about sooyoung, come home, cry about sooyoung, go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. it was worth it, though.

on her birthday, sooyoung spent a considerable amount of time with seulgi. seulgi bought her a perfume set sooyoung was dying to get but didn't have enough money for; sooyoung kissed the older woman on both cheeks, and seulgi got a bit shy. sooyoung always thought seulgi getting shy was adorable; good thing she didn't know why seulgi would start smiling like an idiot every time sooyoung complimented her.

it was a regular saturday evening, it was raining, and sooyoung asked seulgi to come to pick her up from a cafe far from the city center. 

"what were you even doing in that hole? who drove you there?" seulgi asked with confusion. sooyoung was a city girl, and didn't seem like the type to walk around questionable placed like that. "was it a date?"

"was it a date?" sooyoung mimicked seulgi mockingly. "oh, shut up. i just wanted some peace and quiet. some time to think. i walked there myself."

"walked there, huh? you? yeah, as if i'll believe you." seulgi noted sarcastically.

suddenly, sooyoung got more quiet than usual.

heavy rain caused road problems, so now they were stuck in huge traffic. seulgi didn't mind, really. she enjoyed rainy evenings and night rides, something about them was just so romantic to her. sooyoung was pretty tired, however; she kept on whining about how bad everyone was at driving in this city. seulgi just rolled her eyes and told her to stop complaining. 

"i wasn't the one who made you go that place miles out of town."

sooyoung got quiet again.

at this point, seulgi sensed that something was off. sooyoung was acting unusual and didn't want to talk about where she'd been earlier. that was a bad sign.

seulgi was in a pretty good mood, so decided it would be a good idea to tease sooyoung about it some more.

"sooyoung? sooyoungie? why do you not want to talk about the cafe you went to earlier? is everything alright?" seulgi said with a cute voice.

her friend didn't seem too talkative that day, though.

seulgi never really knew when to stop, and that was one of her weaknesses. she didn't have a sense of "okay, that's enough", and that'd always bite her in the ass. this time, too.

"hey? sooyoung? what happened in the cafe? who drove you there? were you there with... um... a boy?" she continued mockingly.

sooyoung obviously wasn't feeling it, and so she snapped.

"seulgi. i don't want to talk about the cafe. can we please move on?"

this is where seulgi started getting seriously worried. if previously she'd been just joking around, now it was clear that something actually  _did_ happen. and seulgi wanted to know why.

"huh? excuse me? you don't want to talk about it? and why exactly is that?"

sooyoung was starting to get visibly pissed. seulgi did, too.

"why do you need to know everything? am i not allowed to have some personal space? i just don't want to talk about it, that's it. not everything is supposed to be controlled by you, you know."

the traffic started to clear up, but the tension in the car only got higher and higher.

"it's not that i need to know everything. something clearly happened if you're hiding it from me. i don't want there to be any secrets between us."

"there are no secrets. i just don't want to talk about it right now. it's my business only." sooyoung turned her head and looked out of the window. "it's not like you tell me everything, anyway."  
"what? i do try to tell you everything, though? what do you mean?" seulgi didn't know what to think. she always tried to be as transparent as possible, never left anything out.

"it's whatever, just forget about it," sooyoung said through her teeth, sounding very passive-aggressive. seulgi wanted to know the answer.

"tell me what you were talking about or i'm stopping the car."

sooyoung turned around and looked at seulgi with a surprised but annoyed face.

"oh, so you want to know what i meant so badly? okay, i'll tell you what the fuck i meant. i knew you had someone at your house after we went to the club before my birthday."

seulgi opened her eyes wide, struggling to contain herself and not crash the car. 

"how the fuck did you even know that?"

"she left her perfume at your house, givenchy l'interdit. i know you'd never use that because you don't like givenchy fragrances." 

seulgi was in shock, but she felt anger fill her up.

"well, you didn't tell me about your hookup with that guy in the bathroom either. you were so into that guy's dick that you completely forgot about me and left me alone. i was drunk anyway, i needed to get off. joohyun was just there in the moment, and, for your information, i fucked her good, thank you for your concern." seulgi said bitterly.

sooyoung was obviously infuriated and surprised after hearing that. seulgi didn't care however; how dare she act as if i have to tell her about my one night stands when she hides her own? the hypocrisy made seulgi's blood boil.

"stop the fucking car, seulgi. now."

"not until you tell me who you were in that cafe with."

both of their voice was stone cold. sooyoung clenched her jaw before lashing out.

"fine! i was with joonho" she shouted at seulgi. "does that make you feel better? are you fucking happy now?"

seulgi almost choked on her own saliva. she expected it to be anyone  _but_  that piece of trash. 

they were getting closer and closer to sooyoung's house.

"what the fuck, sooyoung?! joonho?! do you want to get back together with him?! with  _him_?!" seulgi couldn't believe her ears. "that piece of shit tried to put his hands on you, do you not fucking remember?!"

sooyoung was on the verge of tears. she was screaming, but her voice was shaking. seulgi's heart hurt whenever she heard sooyoung's voice drop.

"seulgi, i'm tired. i want to be loved. i haven't been in a proper relationship for half a year now. i miss the affection. i want a boyfriend. i want to be happy. he apologized, he said he's a better person now. that was just a misunderstanding. let me live my own life, for fuck's sake."

seulgi was muttering under breath. "unbelievable, i can't believe this."

sooyoung started crying. "see, this is why i didn't want to fucking tell you. i knew you'd say that. instead of being happy for me for finally finding love, you'd be pissed. as you always are. always so overprotective, so possessive. you say you want the best for me. what if the best for me is being in a relationship?!"

"in a relationship with him?!" seulgi was so pissed she couldn't recognize her own voice. her ears hurt from all the shouting, but she couldn't calm down. why the fuck was sooyoung so rude towards her?! "please, sooyoung, anyone but him. do you not remember what he fucking did to you?! remember that night?! do you remember?!"

"yes, i do remember! and i also remember what happened  _after_  our fucking fight."

seulgi took a deep breath and said, this time more calmly, "what does that have anything to do with what's going on right now?!"

seulgi parked the car in front of sooyoung house, but neither of them was getting out anytime soon.

sooyoung was crying and sobbing.

"do you not see what this is?! i don't have a choice. i've been dropping hints, i've been doing all kinds of things. joonho texted me. he said that he missed me. and i'm fucking desperate, seulgi. i ruined my relationship with him because of this, but it's not fucking going anywhere. i have to go back to him. you didn't leave me a choice!"

seulgi got lost in the middle of sooyoung's speech. what is she talking about? seulgi's thoughts were a mess at the moment. 

"sooyoung, what the fuck are you even talking about?!"

sooyoung suddenly stopped crying.

"i'm fucking in love with you, seulgi! me and joonho broke up because i started falling for  _you_. i was so confused because i've always thought i was straight, but you made me _feel_  things that i've never felt before. i had a huge identity crisis. i was so lost in my thoughts. i came to a realization that i wanted _you_ , and that i did, in fact, fall for a woman. joonho felt it, he knew i wasn't the same anymore, so we broke it off. it's been half a fucking year, and nothing has happened so far. you're so distant with me. you're smiling, but i know you don't mean it. you get shy whenever i flirt instead of flirting back. you keep me at arm's length. you won't let me get close to you. you smile and nod and laugh when i want you to fucking kiss me, hold my hand, cuddle with me. i love  _you_ , and i have for the past 6 months. but you won't let me make a move. you won't let me show any affection. it's almost as if you completely closed off. you don't just act to me like a friend, you act like i'm the fucking plague."

seulgi stood there speechless.

sooyoung took one last look at seulgi's face, before breaking down in tears again and slamming the car door.

it was around 10 pm, and seulgi's car was parked in front of sooyoung's house. the sound of rain was so loud it disrupted seulgi's thoughts and didn't let her focus. is there any use in crying anymore? would anyone care? 

turns out, seulgi has just been wasting her time. she convinced herself that sooyoung never saw her as anything more than a friend, so she closed off. she tried to limit all signs of affection as much as possible. seulgi drew lines and put boundaries that she never crossed. turns out sooyoung wanted to cross them.

seulgi realized that she's been acting so inexcusably dumb, so clueless. if only she followed her heart. if only.

she didn't even feel like crying anymore. suddenly, she felt joy. sooyoung just said she's into you. she loves you back. you're going to fix this. you're going to be with her, made her happy. she's going to be yours and you're going to be hers.

seulgi suddenly knew exactly what she needed to do.

seulgi walked out of the car and headed towards sooyoung's door that she forgot to close. it was almost like dejavu: the wide opened door, sooyoung crying in the bathroom, seulgi wanting to calm her down. the only thing that was different was seulgi's attitude. she used to be scared, afraid of her feelings; now she was ready to embrace them and express her love. 

seulgi found sooyoung on the bathroom floor crying, again. she hugged her and whispered, "everything is okay, sooyoungie, my precious baby. it's fine. hey, hey, listen to me."

seulgi put her hands around sooyoung's head and looked into her eyes.

"sooyoung, i love you. and i have for the past 6 months. i want to be with you. i love you so much."

sooyoung sobbed and buried her head into seulgi's chest. then she lifted her head up and kissed seulgi on the lips. just like that one night.

this time, however, they weren't planning to stop.

 _use me,_  seulgi thought, _use me again. and i'll use you._


End file.
